“I saw the women on TV,” Erica[1] said.  “I used to say, ‘Ain’t no man putting their hands on me!’” But it’s different when you are in the situation.”

Erica became a victim of teen domestic violence at the tender age of 14. In the beginning, Erica, who was an honor roll student and a junior varsity cheerleader, said her relationship with John1 was perfect.

“I would sneak out the house to go visit him,” the 19 year-old said with a laugh. “I would tell my mother I was going somewhere else. He came to my games to watch me cheer. He treated me really well.”

After a few months into the relationship, sex became an issue.  Erica said John started to pressure her to have sex with him and became verbally abusive.

“He tried to have sex and I said no,” she recalled. “After that it went downhill. I got called all the names in the book. He got really mad. I knew the other girls he used to talk to were kind of easy. But I wasn’t going to compromise myself.”

Erica said that wasn’t the only time her ex-boyfriend was verbally abusive towards her. She eventually became accustom to his nasty words. One day, John took it a step further.

“The first time John put his hands on me was while we were watching TV,” Erica said. “I had my phone on my lap and I got a text from my best friend who was a gay male. He assumed it was a guy trying to talk to me. He threw my phone and accused me of cheating. Then he put his hands around my throat. He choked me and asked me, ‘why do you do things to make me mad?’ I was really scared.”

John eventually let go of Erica. She said after the incident he quickly apologized.

“He kept apologizing and he said he would never do it again,” Erica said. “He said he was going to change. I believed him.”

The two remained together. Erica said she didn’t go over John’s house for a while, but he still showed his support for her by coming to her games. About ten months into their relationship, John’s ex-girlfriend approached Erica at school.

“His ex told me they still messed around,” Erica said. “I approached John about it and all hell broke loose.”

Erica said she went to John’s house to confront him. She showed him the texts John’s ex sent her. He insisted he wasn’t cheating and started to accuse Erica of cheating.

“He called me a hoe and accused me of being with all these other guys,” Erica said. “Then he punched me in my arm. I just took it. I don’t like crying in front of [John] so I held it in. I moved to the other side of the couch looking pitiful.”

She tried to get away but John wasn’t going to let her go that easy.

“We continued to fuss but I got tired so I left,” she said. “He got up and followed me. Then he pushed me down the stairs. I felt a tear come down my face so I brushed myself off, got up and got into my car. Then I cried all the way home. It hurt and I felt very degraded.”

Erica broke up with John soon after but several months later, they were back together. Erica said she didn’t want to be single.

“John sent flowers and messages to me through a mutual friend to get me back,” she said. “He called and texted me saying he was really sorry and he was going to change. He said he loved me and I was the one for him.”

Kelli Bolton, author of You Said You Loved Me, said a relationship that involves any kind of abuse, verbal or physical, is not a reflection of true love.

“God has a specific kind of love, and it isn’t angry and it isn’t jealous,” the Christian-fiction writer said. “When you have someone hitting you, that’s not real love—that’s not the love God has for you and that’s what I wanted to show young people.”

Bolton’s book involves a high school freshman girl and her new boyfriend. The young girl attacks her boyfriend when she sees him talking to another girl. Bolton said she was inspired to write this book after learning about Chris Brown and Rihanna’s abusive relationship.

“I was a little shocked because they were portrayed as Hollywood’s hottest couple,” Bolton said.  “But everything wasn’t all good. I was driving to work and God was speaking to me. Young people need to know what real love is and a person who loves you won’t do those things to you. I wanted to give young people an idea of what real love is. Just because they say it doesn’t mean they mean it. Their actions need to line up with their words.”

Bolton warned young people to pay attention to signs and signals. She stressed the need to speak up. The writer said if you don’t address it in the beginning, it will only get worse.

Erica’s relationship with John got worse. She said the first couple of months after they got back together were good but the abuse still lingered. John didn’t hit her for a while but would grab her or push her to the couch but the final straw was when John hit Erica in her face.

“John’s cousin went back and told him he saw me and a guy friend flirting,” Erica said. “When John confronted me about it, I defended my guy friend instead of apologizing. We were fussing back and forth. Then he grabbed me up and punched me in the right eye. I pushed him. I got my stuff and left his house. I was really hurt. It took me a while to get over it. It breaks you down when you get hit in your face.”

Throughout her relationship with John, Erica said she received at least five bruises from him—including one she got on her back from when John slammed her onto a picture frame. Erica said that after John hit her in her face, he blew up her phone trying to talk to her. Erica never picked up the phone when he called. She said that was the only way she knew to keep herself from being vulnerable to him.

Now a student at Norfolk State University, Erica said things would have been different for her if she stayed with John.

“I would have gotten really hurt if I stayed in the relationship. I would have lost all of my self-worth. Don’t ever let anyone disrespect you. Make sure your happiness comes first.”